An open letter to the conservative men of America

Dear Conservative Man,

As I write this, you are probably gearing up for your 4th of July celebration. Perhaps you have reverently hung the Chinese-made American flag you whip out for holidays. You might be lovingly staring at that Stars and Stripes shirt you bought at Walmart (made in Taiwan), or maybe you’ve dug out the silver-plated bald eagle belt buckle to polish, which was machine tooled in Malaysia. You are showing your patriotism… for China, Malaysia and Taiwan.

Steve Stockman

Do you have fireworks? I bet you headed over the state line to pick up the “fun” stuff, didn’t you? Who cares that your neighbor is an Iraq war vet with PTSD who reacts very badly to loud noises. He’s an unemployed slacker, living off the “teat,” as you and your conservative buddies so eloquently put it.
By God, if you hadn’t had those bunions during the Vietnam war, you’d have been in country, killing gooks with the best of them. Hell, you even had a “Bomb Hanoi” lapel button.

And war. You love war. You’ve never actually served, but you love the idea of blowing up countries with different religious beliefs, or too much government. It didn’t matter that Saddam Hussein had absolutely nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11; those damn towel-heads deserve everything we gave ‘em.

It didn’t matter that no one ever found weapons of mass destruction (other than the biological weapons the U.S. and Great Britain sold Saddam that he used on his own people), George W. Bush was the greatest president America ever had because he kept us safe.


You’re excited about what’s happening in North Carolina, Ohio and Texas! Men who look exactly like you forbidding uppity women from killing their babies. Yes, it’s fun to oppress people, especially women who have the gall to stand up for themselves, when they should just shut up, know their role and go make you a sandwich. Steve Stockman is your hero because he gets it. You give unborn babies guns and no more abortions! Praise Conservative Jesus, pass a coat hanger.

My guess is, you’re pretty upset about the whole DOMA thing. And why shouldn’t you be? In the minutes after the Supreme Court ruled DOMA was unconstitutional, millions of straight marriages collapsed faster than a 50-year old bridge.

Wait, that didn’t happen. Well, it will, because Pat Robertson, Rick Santorum, Bryan Fischer and Michele Bachmann say it will, and you follow them like a lemming, right over the cliff. You remember with great fondness a time when gay bashing wasn’t just legal, it was encouraged. Uganda‘s got it right, dammit.

What’s the deal with all this religious freedom attacking your religious freedom? America is a Christian nation; we have God on our money and in the Pledge of Allegiance and our motto is “In God We Trust.” See? No Muslim terrorist, liberal atheist or left-wing witches are gonna change the fact that God loves America. At least he used to until we let all the fags get married and women wear pants.

In closing, Conservative Man, let me just say this. If you read this letter and think “Hell yes, this is exactly what I believe and who I am,” you’re what’s wrong with America.

Happy 4th of July!