Everything You Know About Great Sex Partners Is Wrong, Here’s Why

A groundbreaking new study has found men with bigger bellies last an average of five minutes longer in the sack than guys with six pack abs. But this is hardly the first time science has found unconventionally handsome people make better lovers. There is ample evidence out there to suggest having the body of a Greek god doesn’t necessarily translate to being good in bed.

Of course, we’ve all witnessed this truth in practice. Gods want to be worshipped, and they certainly can’t be bothered to make you happy. Their mere presence in your bedroom should be enough. Ugh.

As the research shows, the best boy toy may not be the worked out stud you covet at the gym. In fact, he’s more likely to be a chubby nerd who rides his bike to and from his messy apartment. Maybe there’s hope for us, after all.

Check out these five studies that confirm everything you know about great sex partners is wrong.

The more attractive the face, the less potent the jizm.

Looking for the ultimate stud? Take note of a 2014 study by the Centre for Evolutionary Biology at the University of Australia in Crawley. It found that the sperm of conventionally attractive men didn’t quite measure up to the swimmers of more average, run-of-the-mill guys.

Researchers performed an “anthropometric analysis” of the facial characteristics of 50 men, measuring traditional masculine features, including the size of their eyes and the width of their cheekbones. They then compared each man’s facial features with the motility (movement), morphology (structure), and concentration of his sperm cells.

The findings? The conventionally attractive — basically men with the most symmetrical (prettier) features — had slightly lower sperm quality.

The reason? No one has any idea. But it probably has to do with higher testosterone levels of men who get lots of attention causing harm to their sperm production.

Computer nerds make the best lovers.

It turns out writing in code isn’t the only thing computer nerds are good at. A 2009 survey found that they are rockstars in the bedroom.

A total of 2,000 men and women in the U.K. listed IT nerds at the top of a list of lovers’ occupations. The whizzes were found to be both the most selfless and the most adventurous in the sack, as well as the most open to playing with “love gadgets.”

So who ranked the lowest? People who worked in the fitness industry. The muscle-bound were listed as being selfish, boring lovers who were less likely to experiment sex toys and other technology.

Who you’re attracted to depends on your last meal, not on how many pounds your lover can bench press.

A 2006 study linked men’s hunger levels to the traits they found attractive in their partners. 61 men participated in the experiment, and the guys with big appetites gravitated towards lovers with higher body weights, as opposed to their satiated counterparts, who preferred more slender paramours.

The reason? Researchers hypothesized it was an evolutionary response to resource scarcity — that a heavier partner advertises access to better resources, especially food and shelter.

Slobs get laid an average of three times more per month than neat freaks. 

A 2002 study by discount, do-it-yourself furniture giant IKEA found that guys with messy sock drawers get laid three times more per month than those who organize their socks. But the good news doesn’t stop there. The study also found that couples who don’t have closet organizers argue three times less per month than those who do.

The survey was part of IKEA’s “You Can’t Be Too Organized” survey. The company had hoped to find that organized people lived healthier lifestyles. Despite the unexpected messy-socks-good-sex connection, it maintains that being organized is still better, claiming you can enjoy more free time by reducing the minutes and hours you spend looking for stuff.

Forget CrossFit. Ride your bike.

CrossFit bunnies may be able to do 50 sit-ups, 100 push-ups, and 150 jumping jacks all in a row, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have more vigor between the sheets. In fact, a recent survey found simply riding your bike every day can make you better in bed.

A poll of 2,500 cycling commuters in the U.K. found that the majority believed biking to and from work had a positive impact on their sex lives. 89 percent of respondents said that cycling home from work allowed them to switch off work and transition into home mode, where sex is on their minds, while 82 percent reported feeling less stressed.

Then there’s the extra boost that comes with fresh air and exercise, resulting in 39 percent of people reporting more energy for hanky panky.

In other words: Get on that bike, boys!