UPDATE: Dad Who Accidentally Discovered Son Is Gay Proves Yet Again That He’s Doing It Right

Last week we stumbled onto an inspiring story of a father who unintentionally read his 13-year-old son’s Google search history and found out he was gay.

He turned to Reddit, where he received an outpouring of support and guidance, and in turn handled the situation with impressive sensitivity. Since our own stories so often veer from this ideal, it’s heartwarming to know there are parents like this one out there raising LGBT youth.

After the overwhelmingly positive response he received from strangers online (though he does say there were more than a few homophobic messages as well), our mystery Dad — Reddit user HeMeYou — decided to do an “ask me anything” on the site to field any more questions or curiosities about his experience with his son.

Here’s what he had to say:

Did your son ever tell you more about the boy from French class?

Haha he did, I asked him about it a few days after he came out. I find it really cute when teenagers have relatively ‘innocent’ crushes so I couldn’t contain myself and acted like a little school girl when he was talking about him.

Is your son aware of the viral post? What does he think of the whole situation?

He is aware. He told me it was “funny” that it became so popular.

How has your son’s mood been since the conversation?

His mood has improved a ton. He just seems so much happier and cheerful. It also makes me happier to see him that way.

Did you tell your son about your experiences with guys when you were a teenager? If not, it might help him to hear that. Or he might squirm and say “Ew dad, let’s not go there.” Which would be kind of adorable.

I haven’t told him, yet. He is aware of the posts, I don’t think he has read them yet, but he is pretty clever when it comes to computers and I’m sure with a few keyword specific Google searches he can find the posts, in which case, he will know.

I don’t think I’ll tell him, not until he turns 16 or 18 at least (my experiences were purely physical), but if he asks about it I’ll let him know.

I kind of want to know about these experiences now… And if you’d ever swing back around.

Well you know, I was about 16 or so and experimenting in sexuality was kind of a fantasy of mine, so I tried it out with a few guys and I genuinely enjoyed it.

I still see some guys as being attractive and even ‘hot’ and I suppose I could picture myself having a physical relationship. For some reason I’ve never been able to picture myself having a romantic relationship with a guy though.

Did you notice that [your son] was gay before you saw his history pop up? Or was it a bit of a surprise for you?

I don’t want to play to the stereotypes but I did notice a few attributes that some might consider gay-ish.. Regardless it was still a bit of a surprise.

Are you afraid of him being bullied? Since there are so many gay guys being bullied in high school?

We live in the south, and the south is relatively known, for the most part, to being against homosexuality, so it is a fear especially as he moves into high school, but I hope it won’t be an issue.

Has your son since learned how to clear his search history?

Haha I think he has always known, he just let down his guard for a while.

Note: the photo attached to this post is not the father and son from the story

What do you do when your child comes out to you ?

Whether your child has come out to you, or if you found out unintentionally, your child needs you now. Every child's worst fear is that by coming out their parents will reject them. No matter what your beliefs, fears or prejudices, you need to let your child know that you love them.

Your child is the same person he/she was before coming out of the closet. Remember, someone's sexual orientation is just one part of who they are. Your child who loved pro wrestling and The Beatles is still the same kid you've loved since birth. Nothing about him/her has changed. You just have more knowledge about his/her life. Take this opportunity to connect as you did before you knew he/she was gay. Was there a meal you liked to cook together, a favorite TV show you watched? Make sure you continue to do the things you did as a family.

Show an Interest in Your Child's life

Talk to your son or daughter. If you feel comfortable asking questions about his/her sexual orientation, do so. But you don't need to focus on sexual orientation. Talk to him/her about school, work, other activities and interests. Studies show that children whose parents take an interest in their lives are less likely to engage in risky behavior.

What You May Be Going Through

You may blame yourself for your child’s homosexuality. Don’t. It’s not your fault. Most scientists and psychologists agree, people are born LGBT. It is not something that you could have influenced.

You may feel depressed and isolated, like you have no one you can talk to. Find yourself a supportive counselor if you need it.

Things will be different now than perhaps you hoped for you child. Most parents believe their children will grow up to be heterosexual, get married and have children. Letting go of that dream for your child can be hard. Remember though, that was YOUR dream. Your child may still choose to spend their life with one partner and have children. Even though your child did not choose to be gay, they may make some life choices you do not agree with. Although this may be hard for you, remember, it's their life and they have the right to live it as their own.

What Your Child is Going Through

When people come out, they often question their place in society. They wonder how they will fit in with the family. Will they still have a family? Get married, have children? How will their church or faith community accept them? Will their friends accept or reject them?

You have a choice. You can help your child feel accepted and loved, or you can add to their feelings of isolation. Make sure your child knows they still have a place in the family, no matter what the outside world tells them.

You can help your child connect with a supportive community. Many cities have support groups for gay and lesbian youth. First check the group out. Offer to drive your child to a meeting.There are many support groups on Facebook and elsewhere on the internet that you can join and contact parents in your area. STOP Homophobia is just one of them.

Support your child if someone makes a disparaging remark against gays. If she is a victim of harassment or homophobia, stand by his/her side. 

Who Can I Tell?

Who to come out to is ultimately your child's choice. Who you tell can have a consequence on his/her life. On the other hand, you might need to talk to someone and don't want to keep such important information to yourself. It's important that you be able to get the support that you need. Check in with your son or daughter before you tell anyone about their sexual orientation. Let them know you need to be able to talk to people to get support for yourself. REMEMBER you can always talk to support groups online, many anonymously.

If Your Religion Says Homosexuality is a Sin 

Some religions call homosexuality a sin. Others are more open and accepting of gays and lesbians. The debate is still out on this topic and probably will be for a long time. If your child was raised in the same religion as you he/she is probably having lots of conflicting feelings. Take a look at the work of some Biblical scholars who have a different interpretation of the Bible.

I May Not Always Understand My Gay Son, But I Accept Him

I picked up my 20-something son, David, at the Metro a few weeks ago. After he got into the car, he put out his hands towards me, and asked:

“Do you like this color? Kind of a deep purple. I get a lot of compliments on it.”

Yes, David wears nail polish — bright, glossy, frequently-changing-colors nail polish. And it doesn’t bother me. In fact, I like the deep purple shade.

When David first told us he was gay in his junior year in high school, my husband and I were somewhat surprised, but when we thought about it, it began to make sense. At first I worried about the increased chances that he would develop AIDS and I was concerned about problems he would likely face being accepted as a gay man in the less tolerant world we lived in a decade ago. But the gay part? We had an inkling. Okay, more than an inkling. (What parent doesn’t?)

As an avid reader and news-watcher, I did have some knowledge of the evolving gay community. I was aware of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s, I remember when Barney Frank became the first U.S. congressman to come out as gay in 1987 and when a New York Court ruled in 1989 that it was legally possible for a same-sex couple to constitute a family.

But when our teenage son told us he was gay, my personal knowledge of what it meant to be a gay man was, unfortunately, tainted by popular media stereotypes which told us that most gay men:

dressed impeccably

were extremely neat and organized

often chose interior design or hair styling as their professions

had high pitched, effeminate voices

liked to gossip

had many women friends

From time to time, in my son’s late teen years, I honestly wondered if maybe he had been mistaken. After all, he was incredibly sloppy, his bedroom was knee-deep in dirty clothing, he planned to major in chemistry and disliked idle chatter.

He is comfortable with his own identity. And because he is so comfortable, we are too. He has patiently explained that what I first thought I knew about gay men was all wrong. And finally the media has caught up a bit. We hear about gay football players and (sometimes) see gay men who don’t wear stylish clothing.

Unfortunately, it still makes the news when a gay man is the first in his field or profession.

Earlier this year, when our synagogue hired a new rabbi who happened to be gay, it became a news story in The Washington Post. “Rabbi Adam Rosenwasser recently became the first rabbi hired to fill a major pulpit in Washington who is married to someone of his own gender. But he doesn’t like to focus on that. ‘I’m gay, but I also like to scuba dive and play guitar.’ ”

So now we all know that some men who are football players, some who are messy and some who are rabbis, can be gay. And that the fact that they have sexual partners of the same gender is not what defines them.

And there are some men who wear nail polish. And change colors frequently, and with great pleasure.

But I draw the line at mint green. A few days ago, when David showed me his latest color, his nails were mint green. Reminded me of medical scrubs, bad memories. Better to go back to the purple or maybe try a new shade, I suggested, how about deep pink?

David looked up at me as if I was crazy, “Mom, I am not that gay.”

Okay, so maybe I don’t totally get the gay male thing yet. But I accept it, and I accept him. Purple nail polish, mint green. Whatever. His color choices don’t define him either.

Nancy L. Wolf, the mother of two young adults, erroneously thought that the difficult years of parenting were behind her. She is a recovering lawyer, who lives in Washington and blogs at Witty Worried and Wolf.

Not Ready to Love a Gay Child? Then Don't Have Kids

Parents annoy me -- annoy and frustrate me. I know that's an odd statement considering that I am a parent. (And yes, I annoy myself sometimes.) We parents need to do a lot better.

For the past couple of months, I have been answering some questions for The Parents Project, an organization that lets parents of LGBT kids ask questions and get answers. It's a great idea, and I feel honored that they think I might have something wise and helpful to say. A little while ago I was given this question:

My daughter recently told me that she is bisexual, but she hasn't told her father. She is concerned that he will have a poor response, and to be totally honest I am also concerned. I don't want to keep this from him, and I certainly don't want her to have to keep it a secret in our home, but I am not at all sure how to handle the situation. Do you have any advice?

I thought about this question for a few days, but in the end I gave up. Every response I could think of wasn't the least bit wise or helpful -- things like:

"Why did you marry this man with whom you do not share core beliefs?"

"Why did you marry a man you knew might not love and support your children?"

"Why haven't you divorced this guy already?"

See? Not helpful. And it's because I cannot fathom being married to and choosing to procreate with someone I know might not love my children. That's just ridiculous. Why would anyone do that?

Before, I have likened being gay to being left-handed. Anyone can have a left-handed kid. It's something that is different from the majority of people, but it doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't have anything do with what kind of person someone is. It's just an another attribute that makes up who they are. Once upon a time, people thought being left-handed was an awful, horrible thing to be. Kids were punished for being left-handed and were often swatted by nuns, if the stories my father tells are true. But these days nobody cares. We got over our collective selves and let the left-handers be.