But they are Blanche!

Well Played

Man’s Best Friend

Whoever called the dog, “man’s best friend” obviously never had a penis (aka dick, cock, pecker, wiener, joystick, schlong, man meat, tally whacker, John Thomas, and/or Schwanzstucker) because men embrace theirs from the get-go. Ultrasounds have shown male fetuses in the last trimester with in utero erections and tiny hands clutching on. By the time “the boys” drop around age 12 or 13 and the package is complete; and the once friendship has grown into a lifetime obsession filled with prowess and pride, comparisons, and above all pleasure.

But what do we really know about every man’s penile pal?

Let’s start at the beginning, which usually depends on your perspective i.e., if it’s your tool or someone else’s, but in this case the word itself. Penis, typically referring to the shaft, is Latin for “tail,” while testes (aka nads, balls, plumbs, rocks, and/or bollox) share the Latin root for “witness” which according to Dr. Steven Lamm, MD’s book. The Hardness Factor comes from the Roman law practice of a man holding his junk while “testifying” in court. (Or possibly it was just a way of distracting opposing counsel millennia before “Basic Instinct,” but the jury is still out.)

Dr. Lamm also cites the men of Australia’s Walibri tribe who greet each other, by shaking Johnsons instead of hands. Apparently it’s not just gay men in America who enjoy this custom. Men the world over, whether ancient or modern, developed or primitive, all value taking matters into their own hands.

As for the actual nuts and bolt, everyone “says” size isn’t important, unless of course you’re walking around naked in the locker room at the gym. FYI… gymnasium comes from the Greek word “gymnazo” meaning “to exercise naked” (yet another reason to go Greek).

For most men, their left gonad hangs lower than the other. But in approximately 10% of men, the right one hangs lower, because they’re left-handed. Seriously, it’s a proven fact. But do the research, and if they’re wrong, it won’t be a waste of time finding out.

It has been said, “God’s only design flaw in man is that He gave him two heads but only enough blood to use one or the other, but not both at the same time.” It’s hard to argue with that. Considering the average erection only requires about two to three tablespoons of blood, it doesn’t say much for the brain activity of most men when it’s channeled to the other head either.

As for length, width, girth, circumference, cut/uncut, ethnic stereotypes, and grow-ers vs show-ers, no study, statistics, or evidence is going to change the perceptions and preferences of anyone. He’s your best friend who has been with you since the beginning and will be with you till the end. Who else can you say that about? So like anyone with you through thick and thin, you love him for his strengths as well as whatever his shortcomings may be because he is yours.

Science To The Rescue: Where Do Penises Come From?

As if men need another reason to pay close attention to their penises, apparently the mystery of how they’re formed at the cellular level is the “key to much of life on earth.” So how are they formed? And why do males have them? These are questions asked by many an inquisitive 8-year-old and distinguished scientist alike.

Two teams of researches have come to some fairly conclusive results that begin to tell the origin story of one of life’s little origins. If penises were Batman, this would be Batman Begins. Not only because the research reveals the roots of the organ, but also because Christian Bale is supposedly a real dick to work with.

By looking at how penises form in snake, lizard, mouse, and chick embryos, researches tracked the cells that would eventually produce the organs. They discovered that while the cells differed from species to species, the common thread was the cloaca, a cavity destined to become the lower part of the gut.

(Side note: cloaca is also a fancy way to say butthole, though they serve more functions than just waste expulsion. Only amphibians, birds, and reptiles are born with one. Humans have one in the embryonic stage, which is split up into separate tracts during the development of the urinary and reproductive organs)

The cloaca sends signals to nearby cells to produce the penis, so depending on where the cloaca is located, different cells get the work order.

In rodents, the cloaca is near the tail, so tail cells are diverted to start construction on the penis. In snakes, it’s near where two limbs used to sprout out, explaining why snakes have two penises.

Researchers tested the theory by transplanting cloacal tissue to an area of a chick embryo where it didn’t belong, and low and behold, a penis began to form in the same spot. They didn’t allow the chick to develop any further, which is kind of sad to think about. But that’s life.

Researches hope the new findings could very soon help millions of people born with genital malformations.

See The Super Gay Penis Doodle Uncovered In Leonardo Da Vinci’s Notebook

Besides the Mona Lisa, The Last Supper and the Vitruvian Man, it seems we also have Leonardo da Vinci to thank for this penis doodle.

Yes, the same genius who is credited as the archetype of the “Renaissance man” also seems to have had a thing for the men of the Renaissance.

Here’s the drawing that was uncovered in Leonardos’s notebook, which was actually drawn by his apprentice Salai (who was very likely also his lover):

The drawing shows two crudely drawn penises marching towards a mysterious hole. The hole, consequently, is labeled “Salai.” So either he picked an interesting place to sign his masterpiece, or there is much to be read from this historic piece of art.

If you have kids and ever find questionable doodles among their schoolwork, rest assured that some of history’s greatest minds operated the same way.

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Leonardo’s drawing of Salai

Here’s some background on Leonardo’s sexuality from author and historian Ross King’s Leonardo and the Last Supper:

According to Lomazzo’s account, Leonardo’s passion for the beautiful Salai therefore reached its peak at about the time work began on The Last Supper in Santa Maria delle Grazie. 

In the fifteenth century, Florentines were so well-known for homosexuality that the German word for sodomite was Florenzer. By 1415 the sexual behavior of young Florentine men had caused the city fathers such concern that “desiring to eliminate a worse evil by means of a lesser one” they licensed two more public brothels to go with the one they had opened with similar aspirations a dozen years earlier. 

When these establishments failed to produce the desired results, and still “desiring to extirpate that vice of Sodom and Gomorrah, so contrary to nature,” the city fathers took further action. In 1432, a special authority, the Ufficiali di Notte e Conservatori dei Monasteri, or Officers of the Night and Preservers of Morality in the Monasteries, was formed to catch and prosecute sodomites. Over the next seven decades, more than ten thousand men were apprehended by this night watch. 

According to Vasari, Salai was “a very attractive youth of unusual grace and looks, with very beautiful hair which he wore curled in ringlets and which delighted his master.” Giacomo seems to have served as a model for Leonardo. No definitive image of him exists, but art historians refer to a distinctive face that appears repeatedly in his drawings—that of a beautiful youth with a Greek nose, a mass of curls and a dreamy pout—as a “Salai-type profile.” 

Leonardo was almost certainly homosexual by the standards of later centuries. Freud was no doubt correct when he stated that it was doubtful whether Leonardo ever embraced a woman in passion. Two years after the Saltarelli affair, Leonardo wrote a partially legible declaration in his notebook: “Fioravante di Domenico at Florence is my most beloved friend, as though he were my….” A nineteenth-century editor of Leonardo’s writings hopefully filled in “brother,” but the relationship may well have been more intimate.

The Weird Science Behind Morning Wood

As far as problems go, morning wood isn’t the worst one to have.

It can be a bit annoying though, especially if you have roommates. Perhaps some of you have mastered the waistband tuck as you walk down the hallway to the bathroom to brush your teeth, antenna precisely adjusted. Or maybe you’ve found a more labor-intensive method for putting your soldier at ease.

But whatever your tactic of choice may be, have you ever wondered why you so often wake up on high alert?

Well thank god the scientific community has fully investigated the phenomenon, and I fucking love science recently published a thorough report.

Here are the warm, hard facts:

• The proper name for morning wood is “nocturnal penile tumescence,” and they normally occur three to five times per night, unless you have erectile dysfunction (so be happy if you can’t tame yourself in the AM)
• Believe it or not, NPT begins in utero. So like, baby boners — ew.
• NPT is associated with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, with one school of thought saying that, “during REM sleep, noradrenergic cells (neurons that release the neurotransmitter noradrenaline [norepinephrine]) located in an area of the pons (part of the brainstem) called the locus coeruleus are switched off. It is thought that these cells are associated with the inhibitory tone of the penis; therefore, when their activity is reduced during REM sleep, testosterone-dependent excitatory tones can be expressed which result in an erection.”
• As for why? Well some argue that it’s the body’s way of protecting your junk. Erections oxygenate the penile tissue, and in turn keep it viable and prevents erectile dysfunction.
• Or it keeps you from wetting the bed. When the bladder becomes full it can trigger an erection to keep you from releasing. But that seems to be a less popular explanation.

So there you have it — way more than you ever needed to know about your morning wood. But rather than be annoyed next time, you can at least rest easy knowing that your body is doing what it can to keep your penis happy and healthy.

Man Arrested After Jars and Jars Of Human Penises Discovered In His Apartment

Brace yourself because this story is truly horrifying.

A 52-year-old man nicknamed the “Penis Collector” has been arrested by police in Slavonski Brod, a small city in eastern Croatia, on suspicion of possessing a collection of human body organs.

The man was apprehended earlier this week. When authorities entered his apartment they found jars and jars of human penises soaking in formaldehyde.

According to sources, the man, whose name has not been released, works as a registered nurse at a city hospital. He has no criminal record and has been described by some as “a family man,” though others say he is an alcoholic who often showed up to work drunk.

“On behalf of all employees of the hospital, I have to say that we are very unpleasantly surprised by an event that threw a shadow over this hospital,” a hospital spokesperson said. “Our apologies to families of the deceased.”

It is unclear how exactly police learned about the “collection.” Also unclear is how the man got his hands on so many human penises, though it is believed they were cut off from the dead bodies of hospital patients.

The man, who has since been released from custody, now awaits criminal charges for disturbing the deceased, which has a maximum sentence of up to two years in jail.

A Public Service Announcement

Nude Pic Etiquette: Five Tasteful Tips For Photographing Your Junk

Forget flowers. Forget candlelight. The “dick pic” is the new method of luring potential lovers into the bedroom. But as anyone who’s ever received a bad dick pic will tell you, there is an art to photographing one’s dong.

Host Nancy Redd over at HuffPost Live tackled this growing trend in hooking up when she spoke with several experts on the subject of dick pics.

“Men, we want those explicit, nasty pictures of your body,” Steve Santagati, a relationship expert and author of Code of Honor and The MANual, said. “It’s very hard to take a dick pic that actually looks good.”

“The bulk of them are pretty awful,” Maddie Collier, who runs the Tumblr page Critique My Dick Pic, agreed. “Although I think that that’s probably because dude’s tend to just not put much effort in.”

But perhaps the greatest voice of authority on the panel was Ezra Sembler, a self-proclaimed “serial dater” from St. Petersburg, FL who has been on the both the sending and receiving ends of countless dick pics.

“I use the Grindr application a lot, and usually people ask for [my dick pic] within the first five minutes of talking,” Sembler said. “In my personal experience, I’d say about 10% of the dick pics I’ve received I continue responding to.”

Then he added: “When I get a dick pic, I think of the guy behind the penis more than the penis itself.”

Does a dick pick cancel out the possibility of a relationship?

“This is not going to lead to a relationship in my eyes,” Sembler explained. “When I get a dick pic it’s mostly for, like, a hookup or, like, a quick online relationship. Nothing serious is going to start from sending a dick picture.”

He continued: “I think more harm can be done with a dick pic. You can get turned off way more easily than getting turned on. I’ve gotten a dick pic once where the head of the penis was, like, diagonal and I never talked to that person again. And he’s was a cute guy, but I just had this image and whenever I would talked to him I immediately went to that.”

So there you have it, folks. Be mindful when sending out dick pics. A bad one can drive away a potential lover and kill your chances of ever hooking up with them in the future.

Here are five tips to snapping the perfect dick pic..

Virginia is for Pervs!

Police in Manassas City, Virginia plan to force a 17-year-old boy to get an erection, so they can photograph it.

Why? Because the boy sexted his 15-year-old girlfriend after she sent him some photos of herself. Still not making sense? Read on. (“Sexting” is when you send a sexually-explicit text message to someone.)

The girl’s mom was unhappy about the sexting, so she called the cops, who are now charging the 17-year-old with two felonies: the production and possession of child pornography.

Yes, taking a picture of your own junk is now a felony in Virginia if you’re underage. Which means, there are an awful lots of felons in Virginia.

It’s really an unbelievably outrageous abuse of power by a state that has traditionally been at the forefront of the abuse of power, going to back to the days when Virginia went all the way to the Supreme Court in order to stop whites from being able to marry blacks. You might also recall that Virginia is the state that infamously took away the child of a lesbian mother several years ago.

Virginia is also the state where the GOP gubernatorial candidate, Ken Cuccinelli, (who thankfully lost) wanted to make oral sex illegal in the state, even between married heterosexual couples.

So, in order to prove that the video that was sexted was of the boy himself — and thus is “child pornography” – the police may have to inject the boy’s penis with a drug that induces an erection (one assumes it’s the same drug porn stars use (seriously)).

The police are now defending their decision to get a search warrant to force a 17-year-old boy to get a hard-on in front of them, while they photograph the boy’s erect penis.

Of course, it isn’t just the Manassas City police department that has some issues here, the Prince William County prosecutors are equally culpable, as they apparently gave the go ahead to move forward with this case. Anyone who’s dealt with local law enforcement knows how generally difficult it is to get police to move forward with anything, in part because local prosecutors usually don’t want to get involved unless it’s a violent crime and then some (at least in my experience).

So it’s rather telling that the Manassas police and the Prince William County prosecutors think the biggest threat to Virginia today is a boy sexting his girlfriend. And mind you, this is a sex crime. This boy may find himself listed publicly as a sexual predator for the rest of his life.

Particular opprobrium is due Assistant Commonwealth Attorney Claiborne Richardson, who is the one who reportedly came up with the idea to inject the boy’s penis in order to provoke an erection that the prosecutors and the cops can then photograph:

Assistant Commonwealth’s Attorney Claiborne Richardson told her that her client must either plead guilty or police would obtain another search warrant “for pictures of his erect penis,” for comparison to the evidence from the teen’s cell phone. Foster asked how that would be accomplished and was told that “we just take him down to the hospital, give him a shot and then take the pictures that we need.”

Just unbelievable.

10 Fascinating Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About Penises

Let’s face it. Penises are pretty cool. They provide pleasure while perpetuating the human race. Freud noted that human genitalia is, objectively, not exactly beautiful but that we lust after it anyway, at least when it’s attached to the right person.

Here are 10 fascinating facts you probably didn’t know about penises. With any luck, they’ll help you to appreciate them even more than you already do.

10. The etymology for the word “penis”

The word “penis” comes from the Latin word for “tail.”

“Penis” was not adopted into the English language until the 17th century. Prior to that, a penis was referred to as a “yard.”

9. The world’s largest penis on record…

The largest erect penis ever to be medically verified measured 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches in circumference. It belongs to an American bisexual man named Jonah Cardeli Falcon. His penis is 9.5 inches when flaccid and 13.5 inches when erect.

But having the world’s biggest penis isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“When I meet people they find it hard to look me in the eye, they just see what’s in my trousers,” Falcon has said. “It’s become a real problem.”

That’s a problem we’d like to have, too.

8. The average penis size…

Don’t let Jonah Cardeli Falcon make you feel self conscious about the size of your dong. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American man’s penis is 5.6 inches long when erect.

That means there’s a whole lot of liars on Grindr, Manhunt and Adam4Adam.

7. Self pleasure

It is estimated by Men’s Health that 1 in 400 men are flexible enough to perform oral sex on themselves. Don’t ask us where this statistic came from.

6. Some babies are born with two penises.

Diphallia, also known as penile duplication, is when a child is born with two penises. It is a rare condition that affects one in every 5-6 million males.

Juan Baptista dos Santos (left) is probably the most famous man to suffer from diphallia. (He also had a third leg.) He was born in Portugal in 1863. Both of his peckers were said to have been fully functional — meaning he could urinate and ejaculate from each.

Juan is said to be have been a man of “animal passion,” who would have sex with both of his penises, finishing with one, then continuing with the other.

Sounds pretty incredible. Just imagine the kind of three-ways he could have.

5. Yes, it’s possible to break your penis.

Penile fractures affect around 200 Americans each year and usually happens during violent intercourse, sexual acrobatics, or aggressive masturbation.

During an erection, the penis becomes engorged with blood. If the penis is bent in a sudden or forceful manner during this time, the trauma can rupture the lining of one of the two cyl

inders inside the penis, known as the corpus cavernosum. This is usually accompanied by a cracking sound, followed by severe bruising and swelling.

Sounds awful.

You can see a really gruesome picture of a broken penis here (but don’t say we didn’t warn you).

4. The brain is not needed to ejaculate.

The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain. Who knew?

No wonder our timing is always off.

3. The volume, speed and calorie count of cum.

The average man shoots between one and two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. Each wad contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt propels through the air at about 28 MPH. It is believed that the average man will ejaculate around 7,000 times in his life. Clearly that number does not apply to gay men, who exceed that number by the age of 20. Clearly.

2. Erections.

The average male has 11 erections during the day and anywhere between three and nine during the night. Nighttime erections are called “nocturnal penile tumescence” and usually last between 25 and 35 minutes each.

Erections keep the penis in shape. “It has to be essentially exercised,” says Tobias Kohler, MD, an assistant professor of urology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine.

In other words: masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

Without regular erections, penile tissue can lose elasticity and even shrink, making the penis as much as 1-2 centimeters shorter.

So, again: masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

1. Myths debunked.

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot gauge the size of a man’s penis by the size of his feet. A study from the University College Hospitals in London measured the penises and feet of 104 men and found no correlation whatsoever.

You also can’t tell the size of a man’s penis by the size of his fingers or nose, or by what kind of vehicle he drives. There is no scientific data that supports any of these hypotheses.

So stop looking at the feet of guys you meet to figure out who you want to sleep with at the bar. It’s useless.

But size doesn’t matter anyway, right?