Parents ask: Should we wait for our son to come out — or ask him ourselves if he’s gay?

Q: My husband and I have a tween son whom we can easily imagine, one day, telling us that he is gay. Or perhaps not; we don’t know his orientation yet, and either way is fine. We love him unconditionally and this is not an issue. My question is about how to handle that conversation if and when he chooses to start it. Or should we ask him? I don’t want to say the wrong thing, omit the right thing or suggest that something so important to him is not an issue for us. As a parent, what should we say and not say during this conversation? — Gina P.

A: Although you don’t know your son’s sexual orientation yet, I applaud your question about how to handle “the coming-out talk,” the goal of which is to make sure that he feels your love and support. Frankly, I wish every parent of every child thought along these same lines. Because the real question is: How do I raise a child who will know he’s loved, whether LGBT or straight, and who accepts all others regardless of their sexual identity?

I’m going to take a page from my own family’s playbook: Among my parents’ friends was a gay couple whom my folks regularly invited to dinner along with their straight friends. The unspoken lesson was simple: Gay people are like everyone else, and they had a seat at our table just like everyone else. That message was clear (and reassuring) to me as a young gay boy who was not yet out. It was also clear to my straight brother, who is an LGBT ally par excellence. My parents were serving their values to all of us along with Mom’s chicken cacciatore.

So, the best thing you could do for your son will take place before the talk, and that’s to be matter-of-fact about being gay. Watch “Modern Family” together and talk positively about the characters. When you hear that yet another state has legalized same-sex marriage , chat about it over dinner and celebrate the news. In fact, the supper table can help convey your attitudes and perspectives on world news in general, which will reinforce your values to your son. Follow my parents’ “open-table policy” and show your son that you are welcoming of all good people.

Ask Amy: Parent pressures gay son to change

DEAR AMY: I recently discovered that my son, who is 17, is a homosexual. We are part of a church group and I fear that if people in that group find out they will make fun of me for having a gay child.

He won’t listen to reason, and he will not stop being gay. I feel as if he is doing this just to get back at me for forgetting his birthday for the past three years — I have a busy work schedule.

Please help him make the right choice in life by not being gay. He won’t listen to me, so maybe he will listen to you. -- Feeling Betrayed

DEAR BETRAYED: You could teach your son an important lesson by changing your own sexuality to show him how easy it is. Try it for the next year or so: Stop being a heterosexual to demonstrate to your son that a person’s sexuality is a matter of choice — to be dictated by one’s parents, the parents’ church and social pressure.

I assume that my suggestion will evoke a reaction that your sexuality is at the core of who you are. The same is true for your son. He has a right to be accepted by his parents for being exactly who he is.

When you “forget” a child’s birthday, you are basically negating him as a person. It is as if you are saying that you have forgotten his presence in the world. How very sad for him.

Pressuring your son to change his sexuality is wrong. If you cannot learn to accept him as he is, it might be safest for him to live elsewhere.

A group that could help you and your family figure out how to navigate this is Pflag.org. This organization is founded for parents, families, friends and allies of LGBT people, and has helped countless families through this challenge. Please research and connect with a local chapter.