What Straight Guys Do When Women Aren't Around

RUSSIAN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT CATCHES MICKEY MOUSE AND SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS BEATING DRIVER UP

So yeah. I don't really know what's going on here so I'll just describe what I see. It appears one man gets upset and cuts off another car to challenge them to a fight. Once he does this, a bunch of people in hilarious outsized mascot suits jump out and kick his ass. Two of the mascots include SpongeBob SquarePants and Mickey Mouse. And when SpongeBob SquarePants and Mickey Mouse are beating the crap out of you in a road rage incident, you should probably re-consider getting out of your car and challenging people to fights in the streets.

Either way, this is definitely the weirdest thing I've ever seen recorded on a Russian dash cam. And that's saying something!

The ‘zombie apocalypse’ is not on the way

At a public appearance this week, Bill Clinton said he was “dumbfounded” by Karl Rove’s recent comments about Hillary Clinton’s health. “First they said she faked her concussion and now they say she’s auditioning for a part on ‘The Walking Dead,’” the former president said.

 

Oddly enough, it wasn’t the only zombie reference in the news yesterday.

According to a report in Foreign Policy magazine, the Defense Department … maintains a disaster preparation document called “CONOP 8888,” which in fact is a zombie survival plan. It was developed to train commanders in the art of strategizing for a catastrophe.

 

Foreign Policy bills it as a “how to guide for military planners” trying to save the population from an onslaught of the undead.

 

The zombie offensive is part of what the DoD calls “fictional contingency planning guidance” that asks military commanders to come up with a blueprint to “preserve non-zombie humans from the threat posed by a zombie horde,” Foreign Policy reported, citing an unclassified Pentagon document.

In the document’s “disclaimer section,” the author of the report added that “this plan was not actually designed as a joke.” (If this is a joke that’s fooled everyone, some folks went to a lot of trouble, writing a dense, 31-page memo obtained by Foreign Policy magazine.)

 

The same report also references chicken zombies – or “CZs” – that the Pentagon says are quite real.

 

“Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually exists,” the plan explains. Though I’ve never heard of this, the report says chickens have been known to be euthanized only to claw back later. “CZs are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty,” CONOP 8888 notes.

 

Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s never heard of real-life chicken zombies.

 

All of this, by the way, comes just a few weeks after a Florida lawmaker introduced actual legislative language that would allow residents to carry concealed firearms in the event of a “zombie apocalypse.”

 

The lawmaker, state Senator Dwight Bullard (D), later explained, “For me, as laughable as the amendment might seem, it’s equally laughable that people who haven’t gone through the proper training, the background check, the license to carry – we’re saying because of a hurricane or flooding or sinkhole, these individuals have gone from gun owners to concealed carry permit holders. I’d argue a crisis is probably the last instance in which you want someone who is not a concealed permit holder to carry a weapon.”

Florida Man Files Motion To Marry His Computer Filled With Adult Videos

A man named Chris Sevier (pictured above) has filed a motion to intervene in the Florida gay marriage case of James Domer Brenner et al., v. Rick Scott — a case seeking state recognition of Mr. Brenner’s Canadian same-sex marriage, because Sevier wants to marry his porn-filled Apple computer.

Sevier ostensibly filed the motion “on behalf ‘of other minority sexual orientation groups,’ and argued, “if gay couples have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

In his filing, Sevier continued:

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

But before you go thinking that Sevier represents that next wave in sexual freedom and human-computer relations, you should know that “in the filing, [“Sevier states] ‘sexual orientation’ never existed as a classification until President Obama came along to advance his ‘social agenda to make America a 'gay nation.'"

The Broward/Palm Beach New Times reports:

This seems to be part of his MO, clogging the legal system with ridiculous claims and troglodyte thinking. Chris Sevier sued Apple because it sold him a computer without telling him about the evils of porn. Chris Sevier sued A&E after it fired Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson after he was caught spewing antigay talk. And just recently, Chris Sevier tried to butt his way into Utah's gay marriage legal case. In a 50-page motion, he claimed he was there to make the court "put up or shut up" on the gay marriage issue.

The federal judge overseeing Florida’s marriage case has tossed Sevier’s motion stating, “the motion has no place in this lawsuit.”

Driver Who Fatally Hit Teen Cyclist Sues Victim’s Family For “Emotional Distress”

Heartbreak turned to outrage when the family of a boy who was hit and killed while riding his bike received a lawsuit from the driver who had killed him.

According to the lawsuit, the incident has been very stressful for the woman responsible and she wants compensation for emotional damages… specifically, from the family whose son had just died.

“I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach — I’m over the edge,” the dead boy’s father, Derek Majewski, said. “Sometimes, it makes my blood boil.” [source]

The accident itself was a series calamitous events that eventually led to the tragic ending.

As it got dark, Brandon Majewski and two of his friends began biking to a nearby restaurant to grab some hot dogs. At the same time Sharlene Simon, was driving down the same darkened country road outside of Toronto. Coming around a bend, she came onto the three cyclists and couldn’t stop in time to avoid hitting them. All three boys were struck by the SUV, but Brandon took the brunt of it. He was thrown over the hood of the car and died a short time later. One of his friends was seriously injured with multiple broken bones. The other friend somehow walked away with just scrapes and bruises.

Police at the scene (including, somewhat problematically, Simon’s husband) ruled it an accident, noting the poor visibility and rain-slick roads.

Nun tells students: ‘Don’t masturbate, it’ll turn you gay’

Wtf?  Lols.

A nun has caused outrage after telling students to not masturbate or it will turn them gay. Sister Jane Dominic Laurel, a Dominican nun from Nashville, told Charlotte Catholic High School in North Carolina about her theories on homosexuality. Among her other ‘theories’, she believes absentee fathers and watching porn turn little boys gay. ‘She gave an example of one of her gay “friends” who said he used to go to a shed with his friends and watch porn and that’s why he was gay,’ one student notes.

Telling a bunch of hormone raging teen boys to not masturbate and expecting them to listen? If even they feared it could turn them gay, trust me, they would make the sacrifice. Oh sister, you silly girl, what Jesus juice are you guzzling? Honey girl, take my advice and DON”T follow YOUR own advice. You will greatly thank god that you didn’t and might even call out his name. ;) 

EEEK! Kim Jong-un Haircuts Required for Men in North Korea

If you are a man in North Korea, we sincerely hope you have a round face. It's the shape that will work with your new haircut.

That new haircut is reportedly called the "Dear Leader Kim Jong Un," modeled after—you guessed it—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un's impenetrable block of black hair atop his chubby cheeks. The style reportedly became a state-mandated guideline about two weeks ago, though experts familiar with the country have said there's no evidence a new hairstyle rule has gone into effect.

If true, this new rule would be North Korea's most stringent haircut restriction. However, it wouldn't be the first time the government has cracked down on what happens at the barber shop. Last year, North Korea limited the range of men's hairstyles to 10 and women's to 18, though Kim's was strangely not on the approved list. His hair was a bit longer in early 2013, and some bangs occasionally escaped the gel that slicked them back.

Before Kim's time, the BBC reports that his father and former North Korean leader Kim Jong-il led a television campaign against long hair called "Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle." Long hair sucks nutrients from people's brains, according to the program. Also, it makes you look like a slob. The campaign even picked out individuals on camera who didn't look up to par, named them and broadcasted their addresses. When confronted, some of the long-haired North Koreans ran away.

The younger Kim's government has declared that men should trim their hair every 15 days to ensure it never stops looking like their leader's.

British Gay Man Barred from Country Pub for Flirting with Bartender

"A British gay man has been banned from a pub in Farnham, Dorset because he complimented a male bartender.

Philip Poolman, 48, spoke about how he was taken aside by the manageress of The Museum Inn and accused of being a ‘predatory gay man’ for talking to the barman.

The barman reportedly quit his job after finishing his shift because he was so distressed, prompting Mr Poolman to be banned from the premises.

‘I told the young barman I thought he was cute and he took offense at this and then left his job at the end of the session’ he said.

‘I have been told that I lost the guy his job. I was told I am a predatory gay man and that the barman was too frightened to leave the place as it was dark and he was afraid that I was going to jump on him. I might be gay but I am not a rapist!' Full story here via Gay Star News!

Chris Christie is FINISHED: Gave Pieces Of 9/11 Wreckage As Gifts To Political Cronies!

Pssst…GOP. You want to know why you’re failing, and everyone with an ounce of moral integrity hates you? Because here’s something nobody’s ever heard anyone say before. “Sources report that Bernie Sanders gave away twisted chunks of 9/11 wreckage as gifts to political supporters.” You know what else nobody’s ever heard? “Hillary Clinton caught sending $25 million worth of hurricane disaster relief funds to political allies in areas undamaged by hurricane.”

And yet, in yet another sick turn of scandal in a scandal-plagued year, both of those things can be said about one man: Tea Party darling Chris Christie.

Yes indeed, the New York Times just reported on yet another Christie scandal, this one with a truly sickening twist. As head of the Port Authority, Christie had access to pieces of wreckage from the 9/11 attacks on New York. Prior to his 2013 re-election, Christie disbursed pieces of the wreckage to certain New Jersey mayors who topped his list of must-have endorsements in the state.

Those mayors lower on Christie’s must-have list got consolation prizes in the form of private tours of the National Sept. 11th memorial and the new WTC construction site; those less inclined toward morbid interests simply got Port authority money for jobs programs and new firefighting equipment…even in towns nowhere near any port. And that isn’t the first time Christie’s gotten his pound of fat from the deaths of 3,000 New Yorkers: When New York got more than a bit up in arms when Christie ‘s top appointee Bill Baroni (who has since resigned in the wake of BridgeGate) said:

 

“For the Port Authority, the World Trade Center wasn’t just a building that we built. It was our home. Its rebuilding is a passion to the Port Authority, and it’s a passion to our governor and lieutenant governor.”

Baroni and Christie later managed to wrangle that passion for rebuilding the Port Authority’s home into more than $1 billion in rebuilding funds from the government. Not to rebuild the towers, mind you…but to raise the road-bed of the Bayonne Bridge and rebuild the Pulaski Skyway. Not that Christie hadn’t already had some practice diverting funds earmarked for disaster relief and rebuilding — e.g. the disbursement of Sandy funds to political allies. And you can bet that was a contributing factor to his slow death at the polls — for the first time, Christie’s disapproval ratings (at 41 percent) are higher than his job approval ratings. Turn out that those who play with fire get caught in their own burning buildings.

Is there anything at this point about Tea Party Christie that HASN’T earned the adjective “morbidly” yet?

This Is The Most Inappropriate School Prize Ever

When 9-year-old Jacob got off the school bus last week, his mom was shocked to see him proudly sporting a gray Confederate army hat. Natasha Lea, the Reidsville, NC mom, was not happy about this. She told Carter Coyle from WGHP Fox 8, “I said, ‘Jacob, come here, son [...] Let me see that.’” When the boy explained that he had won the offending item at an auction in his classroom, Lea was outraged.

“I did not want to believe that. That the school actually let him walk around as an African-American child with a Confederate cap on. This stands for a dark time in our history.”

What was that Confederate army hat doing at school?

The hat does not have the Confederate flag or any other emblems on it, but it still clearly looks like what the report calls a “costume piece” for topping off a Confederate army uniform. You’d think that in this day and age, the teacher would have noticed something amiss before giving it to a student. Then again, we’re talking about North Carolina here.

With an aghast look on her face, Lee asked an obvious question.

“What is this hat doing in that school, period? For any child?”

The school told WGHP that the confederate army hat was donated by a school parent for a classroom “auction” held before the winter holidays (Lea’s son left the cap at school after winning it, and later picked it up from the Lost and Found). Which should make all of us sorry that this kid has to go to a school with kids who are raised by clueless parents who think a Confederate army hat makes for a nice classroom prize.

Delta Tosses Passengers From Flight To Make Room For The Florida Gators Basketball Team

We have often discussed how airlines have gradually stripped passengers of basic comforts and, more importantly, basic rights. That was evident this week in the Gainesville Regional Airport when an entire plane of passengers was told to get off their flight. Some said that they were told of “mechanical problems” the favorite mantra of airlines canceling flights for any reason, including too many unsold seats. However, passengers were a bit peeved when they looked out the window and saw the University of Florida men’s basketball team get on the plane. It appears that the airline decided to dump the ticketed passengers to fly the Gators to Connecticut for a game against the University of Connecticut.

Delta Connection flight 5059, operated by ExpressJet, was supposed to go to Atlanta. Instead, the airline turned it into a charter flight for the team. Delta insisted that all passengers were “accommodated” but it seems to ignore that fact that these passengers paid to fly on flight 5059 and were delayed in their travels. One missed a funeral. Airlines continue to treat such itineraries as merely aspirational. So long as they get a passenger to a location, they insist that they have no liability or responsibility for the loss of hours, bad alternative seating or hassle. The passenger’s time is legally irrelevant.

Delta admits that the original plane for the team required maintenance so it decided to bump the passengers on the flight. However, this effectively treated the ticketed passengers as less important than the team. There was no sense of obligation or commitment. They were less valuable and were bumped. The last of the passengers on the Sunday flight did not leave until Monday. However, the airlines insisted it fulfilled its contract to get them where they wanted to go.

Airline lobbyists have been uniformly successful in blocking efforts in Congress to guarantee the rights of passengers. Average people remain a captive audience to airlines. I know of no other business that can routinely violate agreements or contracts and remain immune from liability. While passengers contract to fly on particular flights, airlines can treat such flights (and a passenger’s time) as fungible and fluid. Now it appears that a basketball team is an additional cause for “mechanical problems” or cancellations for the least valuable travelers.

Russian TV Journalist Blames Gays for the Chelyabinsk Meteor Strike Earlier This Year

A well-known Russian TV journalist is taking a page out of the Christian right-wing playbook of blaming natural phenomenon on the gays. RT.com reports:

 

In a reference to the Old Testament story of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, famous journalist Arkady Mamontov said on his program that the fall of the Chelyabinsk meteorite on February 15 in Russia was related to the country's growing gay activity. Mamontov's program 'Special Correspondent' airs on state channel Rossiya 1.

The host called the meteorite a warning "to all of us that we should keep the family tradition, traditional love, or else something else - not only the Chelyabinsk meteorite - will hit us."

The Russian LGBT Network rights group filed a complaint with the prosecutor's office on Thursday. The group accused the show of hate speech, according to group chairman Igor Kochetkov. He said that Mamontov also claimed that gays and lesbians want to "destroy [traditional] Russia."

Mamontov has been on a bit of an anti-gay roll this past week, airing a documentary entitled "Litsedei" (Hypocrites) on Tuesday which detailed the alleged threat from Western countries that are trying to carry out a "gay revolution" in Russia by claiming that homosexuals are being oppressed.

As a result of the anti-gay vitriol, prominent Russian LGBT activist Nikolai Alexeyev has submitted a request to Moscow authorities to gain permission to stage a protest against Mamontov's show. Knowing Putin's oppositional stance on public 'pro-gay' rallies, however, makes approval seem unlikely. 

WTF? Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy Receiving Equality Award

The Urban League of Greater Atlanta seems to think Chick-fil-A CEO and noted marriage equality opponent Dan Cathy is a deserving of an award for his civil rights work, though what work that actually is remains a big, old, deep-fried mystery.

For its 52nd Champions of Justice and Equality award, the Urban League, which focuses on the economic empowerment of African Americans, is honoring Cathy and actual civil rights activist Congressman John Lewis this Saturday.

While Lewis is known for his pioneering efforts in the civil rights movement and helping to organize 1963′s March on Washington, Cathy is known for putting his foot in his mouth and generally being the worst.

In addition to Chick-fil-A’s history of donating to anti-gay groups, Cathy has frequently made his own opinions on homosexuality and marriage equality known. After Cathy openly admitting to his bigotry last year, Chick-fil-A suffered a backlash and a boycott. Then earlier this year, Cathy proved his stripes had not changed when he tweeted his disappointment following the historic Supreme Court decisions in June.

Somehow that doesn’t strike us as particularly just or equal, but apparently the Urban League of Greater Atlanta has a different view.

Universal's Homophobic Halloween

As Halloween draws near, many of you will likely be getting your ghoul on and partaking in special Halloween shows and events. One such attraction, Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood, involves a play of sorts titled Bill and Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure. It has drawn attention as of late for the across-the-board offensive attitudes on display, including plot lines and "jokes" that are blatantly homophobic. Most notably, in this year's play, Bill & Ted are transported to the Land of Oz via tornado (or as they call it, the "ghost of Cory Monteith") where they encounter Superman who promises to help them fight the evil witches of Oz. This all goes awry when Superman accidentally gets dusted with "fairy dust" by one of the witches and becomes gay. Vice has the report:

After becoming gay, Superman's voice and posture changes. His lips purse, his toes point inward, and his wrists become limp. His new voice sounds like a homophobic uncle doing a drunken impression of Richard Simmons, complete with lisps and frequent use of the word "faaaaaaabulous!" [...]

Obviously, now that Superman is gay, he is not going to be of any use to them. "Who could possibly make a worse Superman?" asks Bill. "Ben Affleck?" responds Ted. [...]

Then, because Superman is now gay, he minces over to Bill and Ted, blows kisses at them, and slaps Ted on the ass. As he does this, Bill and Ted say "awwww dude!" with disgusted voices.

After a few more attempts at molesting Bill and Ted, Superman ends up aboard the Starship Enterprise, where he runs into Superman villain General Zod. General Zod tells Superman to get on his knees. Because Superman is now gay, he assumes this is an invitation to give Zod oral sex. "Finally!" he squeals.

Also aboard the Starship Enterprise, the gang runs into George Takei. Because George Takei is gay too, he and Superman share an instant mutual attraction. "Who's your friend?" asks George, in the same lisping, gay-minstrel voice that Superman uses. 

Before Bill and/or Ted can answer, Superman interrupts by yelling "Hey daddy!" to George...George and Superman disappear to have sex. "Time to boldly go where no man has gone before!" says George, as they exit the stage. 

This is the last we see of Superman in the play.

Previously, in 2006, Universal Studios Hollywood offered a version of the Bill and Ted play that featured a gay Superman more interested in ribbon-dancing and saying the word "rainbows" than fighting evil.

Check out a video of Superman ribbon-dancing and a clip from this year's incarnation which shows Superman getting beat up by General Zod after Superman implies he'd like to perform oral sex on him.

Boy Scout Leaders Destroy 200 Million-Year-Old Rock Formation in Utah State Park

A group of Boy Scout leaders is facing potential felony charges for destroying a 200-million-year-old rock formation in Goblin Valley State Park, the Salt Lake Tribune reports:

In the video, posted on Facebook, one man can be seen leveraging himself against a nearby rock and pushing a formation over.

"Some little kid was about ready to walk down here and die and Glenn saved his life by getting the boulder out of the way," the cameraman is heard saying. "So it’s all about saving lives here at Goblin Valley."

After the rock falls, the three men laugh, cheer and high five each other.

"We have now modified Goblin Valley!"

Said park spokesman Eugene Swalberg to the paper: "It is not only wrong, but there will be consequences. This is highly, highly inappropriate. This is not what you do at state parks. It’s disturbing and upsetting."

Passenger's luggage stickered "I Am Gay"

Pic: Twitter

A man’s had his luggage covered with stickers to read “I Am Gay” while it was in transit with Jetstar.

 

The man posted a picture of the suitcase on Twitter, writing: "Utterly disgusted to find my luggage front and center on the luggage carousel looking like this.”

The man, Aaron, added: “I think it happened at Perth airport. It's the luggage sticker tags for the flight …”

Jetstar has apologised to the stay-at-home-dad on Twitter, asking him to provide more information.

"I'm very sorry to see that. So we can investigate this internally, please direct message us your booking reference," a spokeswoman said.

When a follower suggested someone should get fired over the incident, Aaron said he’d rather have “broad consciousness raising” over job losses.

There's A Special Place In Hell For This Lady

Bryan Fischer: 'Homosexual Mafia', Obama are Purging America of Jesus Christ

Following the recent closure of an Oregon bakery that previously refused to sell a wedding cake to a lesbian couple and an Air Force officer allegedly being punished by his lesbian superior for objecting to gay marriage, American Family Association spokesperson Bryan Fischer took the opportunity to decry both incidents as examples of anti-Christian hate endemic in Obama's America. Right Wing Watch reports:

“This is happening everywhere,” Fischer argued. “That bakery couple in Oregon had their bakery completely shut down by a homosexual mob, a homosexual mafia; they cried ‘Homo-Akbar!’ and assaulted, stormed metaphorically, the bakery and got it completely shut down.”

Later in the segment, the Focal Point host maintained that President Obama “has made it a criminal offense to be a sincerely devoted follower of Jesus Christ in the United States Military” and accused Obama of “leading this purge of Christians from the military. This is ethnic cleansing, this is spiritual cleansing.”

Are you f'king kidding me?

Please visit the video on YouTube and add a thumbs down

'Ex-Gay' Group Promises The End Of Homosexuality

The International Healing Foundation – an ex-gay group whom we've talked about before for their involvement with anti-gay conferences in Uganda and whose pillow-beating Executive Director Emeritus Richard Cohen (pictured) was eviscerated on Rachel Maddow's show – have released a money-beg newsletter at PFOX preying on fears of protecting your children and the empty promise of the elimination of homosexuality. The fundraising message begins with:

Greetings,
Want to be part of an exciting revolution? Want to end homosexuality and prevent bullying? Want to protect your children and grandchildren?
Everyday our kids are being inundated with false information about homosexuality-born that way and cannot change. This is both scientifically and scripturally untrue. We at IHF have developed solutions to end homosexuality:

Scripturally, the Bible says nothing about whether the origins of homosexuality are inborn traits or chosen behaviors, just a handful of verses that arguably condemn the physical practice of same-sex "activities." Scientifically, homosexuality is regarded as an inborn trait, specifically an epigenetic one related to hormone production in fetuses that is passed father-to-daughter or mother-to-son.

Still, facts and reality have never gotten in the way of the ex-gay and anti-gay movements before, so there's no reason that they would start now.