Get your tissues out

Matt Strother

Wow...... So I'm getting my oil changed and a vibrant cheerful middle aged woman comes in the waiting area and starts talking to me. She's so sweet... She noticed my shirt that says "He's Mine." She starts telling me how much I remind her of her son. I noticed she had tears in her eyes. So I gave her a hug and asked if she wanted to talk about him with me. She wiped her tears and held my hand and told me how amazing her son was. How he was so full of life. She said he came out to her and his dad after college and the dad disowned him. And as a result divorced the man. She did everything in her power to be as close to him as she could. A couple years later he died in a car crash frown emoticon the last time she saw him he was wearing the same shirt as I have on. She kissed me on the cheek, told me she was paying for my oil change (even tho I begged her not to) and told me to always love myself and to call my mom and tell her I love her... Today is beginning to be something amazing.

A Dad Dropped His Son Off on a Date and It Restored My Faith in Humanity

You know those moments that just seem like something out of a movie? You know the ones -- where you're literally expecting an uplifting song to start playing right at the climax of a tear-jerking scene, which you happen to be seeing live before your eyes? Well, I just witnessed an Oscar-worthy performance.

This weekend as I sat in Starbucks, writing -- I know, it doesn't get much more cliché than that -- I noticed a man and his son walk into the coffee shop. My gaydar immediately informed me that I was in the presence of my own kind. The boy was very handsome, with a GaGa shirt and rolled up jeans, he looked to be around 16-years-old. A man that appeared to be his father, whom could only be described as a man's man, accompanied him. Large and intimidating in stature, his father wore a camouflaged shirt and some rather dirty jeans.

A moment later another young boy, about the same age, came into the shop. He walked over to the first boy and gave him a loving hug. The father sternly nodded his head at the boy in a rather macho display of a greeting. "Uh oh," I thought, this didn't look to be the kind of guy that would be incredibly happy about having an openly-gay son. The boys walked up to the counter to order their over-priced lattes and the father stepped in to pay.

After getting their drinks and sitting down, the father said to the boys, "You guys be good," and gave them both handshakes (I told you he was a man's man). He told his son to call him when he was ready to be picked up, and walked out of the store. Facing the front door, I saw the father stop at the window of the storefront. With their backs turned to the door, unaware that dad was still watching, the boys leaned in for a kiss. To my surprise, the father's reaction was that of a beaming smile. His son was in love, and it didn't matter that it happened to be with a boy.

Inside I was a basket case. I held it together in public, but I really wanted to cry at the beautiful moment I had just witnessed. But then it hit me; I had just judged someone. I had assumed that because this man fit a certain stereotype that he was instantly against equality, and there was no way that he could possibly approve of his son's sexuality.

It's easy to become cynical and jaded, especially when it seems that we are all too often faced with devastating stories like that of Leelah Alcorn, who took her life because of the rejection she faced from her parents after coming out as trans. I myself was met with rejection because of my sexuality from much of my conservative family -- which has taken me years to overcome. That being said, it occurred to me that for a group that often faces so much judgment, people in the LGBT community can be quite judgmental ourselves. We can sometimes jump to assume that people hate us for our identity -- and many people certainly do -- but we can't forget that there are people doing better than we sometimes give them credit for.

For every story of a person writing faggot on the door of a gay couple, there is one of a father smiling while watching his gay-teen-son openly embrace a boy he cares for. For every horrible coming out story, there is the story of a family that meets their loved-ones with support and acceptance.

We certainly shouldn't undermine the struggles that our community faces. We shouldn't only show the good and ignore the bad. We shouldn't stop fighting for equity just because we've received it for some. But I have to say, those bad days when it seems like the odds are stacked against us, I now can think back on the scene I witnessed at Starbucks-a scene of love and acceptance from an unexpected source-and have a reason to smile.

UPDATE: Dad Who Accidentally Discovered Son Is Gay Proves Yet Again That He’s Doing It Right

Last week we stumbled onto an inspiring story of a father who unintentionally read his 13-year-old son’s Google search history and found out he was gay.

He turned to Reddit, where he received an outpouring of support and guidance, and in turn handled the situation with impressive sensitivity. Since our own stories so often veer from this ideal, it’s heartwarming to know there are parents like this one out there raising LGBT youth.

After the overwhelmingly positive response he received from strangers online (though he does say there were more than a few homophobic messages as well), our mystery Dad — Reddit user HeMeYou — decided to do an “ask me anything” on the site to field any more questions or curiosities about his experience with his son.

Here’s what he had to say:

Did your son ever tell you more about the boy from French class?

Haha he did, I asked him about it a few days after he came out. I find it really cute when teenagers have relatively ‘innocent’ crushes so I couldn’t contain myself and acted like a little school girl when he was talking about him.

Is your son aware of the viral post? What does he think of the whole situation?

He is aware. He told me it was “funny” that it became so popular.

How has your son’s mood been since the conversation?

His mood has improved a ton. He just seems so much happier and cheerful. It also makes me happier to see him that way.

Did you tell your son about your experiences with guys when you were a teenager? If not, it might help him to hear that. Or he might squirm and say “Ew dad, let’s not go there.” Which would be kind of adorable.

I haven’t told him, yet. He is aware of the posts, I don’t think he has read them yet, but he is pretty clever when it comes to computers and I’m sure with a few keyword specific Google searches he can find the posts, in which case, he will know.

I don’t think I’ll tell him, not until he turns 16 or 18 at least (my experiences were purely physical), but if he asks about it I’ll let him know.

I kind of want to know about these experiences now… And if you’d ever swing back around.

Well you know, I was about 16 or so and experimenting in sexuality was kind of a fantasy of mine, so I tried it out with a few guys and I genuinely enjoyed it.

I still see some guys as being attractive and even ‘hot’ and I suppose I could picture myself having a physical relationship. For some reason I’ve never been able to picture myself having a romantic relationship with a guy though.

Did you notice that [your son] was gay before you saw his history pop up? Or was it a bit of a surprise for you?

I don’t want to play to the stereotypes but I did notice a few attributes that some might consider gay-ish.. Regardless it was still a bit of a surprise.

Are you afraid of him being bullied? Since there are so many gay guys being bullied in high school?

We live in the south, and the south is relatively known, for the most part, to being against homosexuality, so it is a fear especially as he moves into high school, but I hope it won’t be an issue.

Has your son since learned how to clear his search history?

Haha I think he has always known, he just let down his guard for a while.

Note: the photo attached to this post is not the father and son from the story

What happened after a single dad asked strangers for advice on helping his son come out as gay

Reddit user HeMeYou was left “overwhelmed” by advice from online strangers after accidentally discovering his son might be gay.

Buzzfeed reports the 38-year-old father posed the question to Reddit after finding Google searches on his son’s iPad suggesting he wanted to come out.

He said: “I found out my 13 y/o son is gay… He hasn’t told me, but I want to support him. What can I do?”

I’m 38, and a single dad to my 13 year old son, 14 in four months. The other day I asked my son if I could borrow his iPad and he gave it to me.
After my first attempt at Google searching something I noticed that he forgot to delete his history as a lot of the search terms were along the lines of “I’m gay what now?” etc…
I love him regardless of which gender he loves, in fact when I was slightly older than him I had a few flings with guys, which he doesn’t know about, so I am 100% supportive.
He has seemed slightly down recently, as in, he isn’t as cheerful as he once was, and I desperately want to tell him that I love him regardless of which sexuality he is.
What are my options? Should I wait for him to tell me? Or should I make a few hints at it?
I’m worried that if I don’t hint at it, that he will be worried about something that he really doesn’t have to be worried about… if that makes sense.
Thanks.

Shortly after, he received a flood of supportive messages, with many users offering advice based on their own experiences.

One user posted: “Google ‘how to tell my son I will love and support him no matter what’ and leave it in his search history.”

Another said: “Let him come out on his own terms, just make sure he knows that you’ll support him and you don’t have a problem with it.”

The father, who wished to remain anonymous, told Buzzfeed the response to his post was “overwhelmingly helpful and kind.”

A few days later, HeMeYou posted an update on what he ended up doing:

I started off with talking about general media with him, for instance I mentioned how awesome it was that Tim Cook (CEO of Apple) came out as being gay and I asked him what he thought about it and I was completely expecting him to give a typical teenager response like “yeah.. its good” or something like that but he actually gave me a detailed response which I absolutely loved because for the first time in a good while I’ve actually held a conversation with my son that felt really… rewarding.

I also wanted to talk to him about how I’ve noticed that he’s not been acting as cheerful as he usually has and I sort of gave the cliche spiel of “I love you no matter what and I just want to see you be happy” but I didn’t get much of a response that time apart from “yeah I know..”

The next day as I picked him up from school I thought I’d ask him about any crushes he has, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t say a gender when I asked him, so instead of ‘he’ or ‘she’ I used ‘they’ etc.. Here is that conversation as I remember it…

Me: So, do you have a crush on anyone?

Son: Uhm… no..m..maybe..

Me: Ohhh so who is the lucky person?

At this point he sort of looked at me slightly confused, I’m not 100% sure why, but I’m assuming it is because I said “lucky person” rather than “lucky girl”.

Son: Just someone from my french class…

Me: Oh yeah… so what do you like about them?

Son: Just.. stuff..

Me: Okay.. but.. like what?

Son: I donno they’re just kinda funny I guess…

At this point I dropped the conversation but just before I did I told him “Well, whoever it is, they should be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend..” and while I didn’t see it, I certainly felt as though he was rolling his eyes at my cheesy comments.

At the dinner table the same day, while we were eating we had a couple minutes of silence, not much was heard apart from the cutlery and my son finally said “I actually wanted to tell you something in the car, but I was afraid you’d get in an accident..”

I looked up from my plate and looked at him straight in the eyes… I could see he was thinking about something and all I could think of was “OMG this is it…”

He said “Dad..” with a couple seconds of silence “..I’m gay”.

I looked at him and couldn’t help myself from smiling, and I told him “____, you know I love you so much… right?” and I got up and gave him a huge hug.

He even started to cry on my shoulder and because of that I couldn’t help myself but shed a couple tears.

Concluding his post, he said: “After dinner and after he finished his homework we both lay in our pyjamas on the sofa, while I was watching the Cooking Channel and he was playing on his iPad.

“I had my arm around him and he was leaning his head on my chest, and all I could think of was that I’m the happiest father on earth right now.”

What do you do when your child comes out to you ?

Whether your child has come out to you, or if you found out unintentionally, your child needs you now. Every child's worst fear is that by coming out their parents will reject them. No matter what your beliefs, fears or prejudices, you need to let your child know that you love them.

Your child is the same person he/she was before coming out of the closet. Remember, someone's sexual orientation is just one part of who they are. Your child who loved pro wrestling and The Beatles is still the same kid you've loved since birth. Nothing about him/her has changed. You just have more knowledge about his/her life. Take this opportunity to connect as you did before you knew he/she was gay. Was there a meal you liked to cook together, a favorite TV show you watched? Make sure you continue to do the things you did as a family.

Show an Interest in Your Child's life

Talk to your son or daughter. If you feel comfortable asking questions about his/her sexual orientation, do so. But you don't need to focus on sexual orientation. Talk to him/her about school, work, other activities and interests. Studies show that children whose parents take an interest in their lives are less likely to engage in risky behavior.

What You May Be Going Through

You may blame yourself for your child’s homosexuality. Don’t. It’s not your fault. Most scientists and psychologists agree, people are born LGBT. It is not something that you could have influenced.

You may feel depressed and isolated, like you have no one you can talk to. Find yourself a supportive counselor if you need it.

Things will be different now than perhaps you hoped for you child. Most parents believe their children will grow up to be heterosexual, get married and have children. Letting go of that dream for your child can be hard. Remember though, that was YOUR dream. Your child may still choose to spend their life with one partner and have children. Even though your child did not choose to be gay, they may make some life choices you do not agree with. Although this may be hard for you, remember, it's their life and they have the right to live it as their own.

What Your Child is Going Through

When people come out, they often question their place in society. They wonder how they will fit in with the family. Will they still have a family? Get married, have children? How will their church or faith community accept them? Will their friends accept or reject them?

You have a choice. You can help your child feel accepted and loved, or you can add to their feelings of isolation. Make sure your child knows they still have a place in the family, no matter what the outside world tells them.

You can help your child connect with a supportive community. Many cities have support groups for gay and lesbian youth. First check the group out. Offer to drive your child to a meeting.There are many support groups on Facebook and elsewhere on the internet that you can join and contact parents in your area. STOP Homophobia is just one of them.

Support your child if someone makes a disparaging remark against gays. If she is a victim of harassment or homophobia, stand by his/her side. 

Who Can I Tell?

Who to come out to is ultimately your child's choice. Who you tell can have a consequence on his/her life. On the other hand, you might need to talk to someone and don't want to keep such important information to yourself. It's important that you be able to get the support that you need. Check in with your son or daughter before you tell anyone about their sexual orientation. Let them know you need to be able to talk to people to get support for yourself. REMEMBER you can always talk to support groups online, many anonymously.

If Your Religion Says Homosexuality is a Sin 

Some religions call homosexuality a sin. Others are more open and accepting of gays and lesbians. The debate is still out on this topic and probably will be for a long time. If your child was raised in the same religion as you he/she is probably having lots of conflicting feelings. Take a look at the work of some Biblical scholars who have a different interpretation of the Bible.

Not Ready to Love a Gay Child? Then Don't Have Kids

Parents annoy me -- annoy and frustrate me. I know that's an odd statement considering that I am a parent. (And yes, I annoy myself sometimes.) We parents need to do a lot better.

For the past couple of months, I have been answering some questions for The Parents Project, an organization that lets parents of LGBT kids ask questions and get answers. It's a great idea, and I feel honored that they think I might have something wise and helpful to say. A little while ago I was given this question:

My daughter recently told me that she is bisexual, but she hasn't told her father. She is concerned that he will have a poor response, and to be totally honest I am also concerned. I don't want to keep this from him, and I certainly don't want her to have to keep it a secret in our home, but I am not at all sure how to handle the situation. Do you have any advice?

I thought about this question for a few days, but in the end I gave up. Every response I could think of wasn't the least bit wise or helpful -- things like:

"Why did you marry this man with whom you do not share core beliefs?"

"Why did you marry a man you knew might not love and support your children?"

"Why haven't you divorced this guy already?"

See? Not helpful. And it's because I cannot fathom being married to and choosing to procreate with someone I know might not love my children. That's just ridiculous. Why would anyone do that?

Before, I have likened being gay to being left-handed. Anyone can have a left-handed kid. It's something that is different from the majority of people, but it doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't have anything do with what kind of person someone is. It's just an another attribute that makes up who they are. Once upon a time, people thought being left-handed was an awful, horrible thing to be. Kids were punished for being left-handed and were often swatted by nuns, if the stories my father tells are true. But these days nobody cares. We got over our collective selves and let the left-handers be.